Stilness

I would like to say these past 10 weeks have been filled with blissful stillness, with me taking advantage of every moment. The truth is, they have been filled with a lot of wrestling, of painful stillness, of a lot of emotion, of avoiding dealing with things and hopefully some fruit from all the struggle. Things seems on the "up" now that I can do a lot more and now that I have an end in sight until I return to work and more normal looking life. I am starting to get even blurry images of maybe some of the things that God has used this time for. I know I will never know the full reasons why, but it is nice to see some glimpes.
I have still been making my way through Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection even though our girls group is taking a time-out. Yesterday in my reading I came upon this in the chapter on play and rest (which I have realized I cut out way too much play in the wake of RA diagnosis, but that is another post altogether):
"Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; its about creating a clearing. It's opening up an emotionally clutter free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question"
I am seeing how I needed a lot of stillness, forced stillness, to work past a lot of raw emotion in order to see some things. I wonder all the time how God can look past all the gross walls I put up. And now my stillness is not so painful but I do feel an opening to dream and think and question. I am working on the feeling part. It is a strange place that I haven't been in for a long time-of dreaming and thinking life could look different than some of the norms and standards I had set for myself.
There is no conclusion to this post, no big Aha moment, just a sweetness of new freedom of possibility of promise.