Rainy Day Blah

It is a cold, rainy Nashville day. And I have a cold and a paper to write. I have not been feeling very Christmas-y yet...I know it is only a few days after Thanksgiving, but the days of listening to Christmas music and looking at lighted trees are so few I like to maximize them. So to improve my situation today I decided to pull out my most favorite Christmas album: Andrew Peterson's Behold the Lamb of God. This isn't traditional Christmas tunes, but the story of Christ starting from the old testament prophecy. It is almost like a symphony in terms of all the instruments and singing parts with great lyrics that combine to tell this amazing story. I love it. I don't think I have a favorite song and it is hard to even pick out lyrics that speak because the whole story blends together so well and is so complete.Ultimately I love that it tells the story of love. So, here's to a season of reflecting on such great love.

Giving Thanks

This year I got to attend family Thanksgiving! That is a lot to give thanks for because it has been 4 years since I have gotten to be at the Bruce family thanksgiving. This year, Richmond hosted, and not everyone was able to make it (as happens now that we are all older) but it was a lot of fun. This is the kid representation. This year there was no kid table. Now if you have attended Bruce family thanksgivings in past years there is always an adult table and a kid table. Every year we older kids hope to graduate to the adult table. I don't think John has ever made it to the adult table. But with the smaller crowd we all got to sit at the same table. Funnily enough we sat kids at one end and adults at the other...maybe we secretly like the kid table.

A few games of speed scrabble and quiddler happened, some pool (turns out uncle dave is pool shark), football, and crosswords and lots of lounging. 

Infinite Wisdom

So, in light of my post yesterday about my pain and the newness of life with RA, I decided to post about some of the things I have been learning in the waiting. Waiting is and always will be a challenging thing in life; I want things now, I don't want to be in a place of uncertainty and mystery, I want to know what is happening next and even more so, why. The why question can lead us down so many of the wrong paths to where we are so hung up on knowing why we can't see anything else around us.
In our girls bible study we are reading a book simply entitled Waiting by Ben Patterson. Great great book so far. We are only in chapter 3 or 4 but each chapter has really challenged the idea of waiting and the ideas of how I view the Lord. He uses the lives of Job and Abraham to talk about the idea of waiting. So far we have been in the chapters on Job. Here is a quote from the book: "For reasons we can only guess at, God chooses in his infinite wisdom and love not to answer many of our "Why?" questions. But he does always give us his presence. As we suffer and wait it is better to forget about finding out "Why" and instead learn about "Who." For He is the treasure to be found in all that hurts us."
Comfort in Greek means to come alongside and this is the picture that I have of my God, coming alongside me in my pain and fears and being present and reminding me that he is providing and that is all I need to know. I don't need to know the next step or what the "purpose" of the pain is, I am simply to trust in Him and rest in his presence with me.

Flare

I know my last post was about RA, and yet another. But I am still learning what the reality of this disease is. Last night I think I experienced my first flare and was brought back to January and the pain of when this all started happening. I also realized the different types of pain I experience with this. Now some mornings I wake up with just an achy stiff feeling in my fingers, but this goes away after a few hours and I am lucky to only rarely experience it. I also have days where I am exhausted. This flare feeling is way worse. It starts and I can feel the joint (yesterday's case was my ring finger on my left hand) feels like I need to crack my knuckle but then that feeling intensifies to where it almost feels like a broken finger. Keeping it straight hurts as much as bending it...there is no place where I am not aware of the pain and of my body's attack on me. Luckily I was exhausted from two days of work so I still slept last night, though fitfully because it kept bothering me. It is already feeling a little better...I can use my finger to type but I do still notice it in most activities.Hopefully it will be fully functional by the time I work tomorrow... it should continue to die down. When my RA started this was the sensation I had essentially every day but it would move from joint to joint, immobilizing them. The hard part is I feel it coming on but there is really nothing to do but anticipate what is about to happen, anticipate not getting any sleep, anticipate what I needed to do the next day that might have to wait.
It is easy to feel like just giving up and staying on the couch all day, but I want to live...I want to be a part of my life and not wallow in my sadness and feel that I am alone. That is my biggest struggle with this right now, is feeling alone in it. And I have been blessed by friends standing alongside of me through all of this wanting to be a part of it. My pastor says that Satan longs to isolate us because in that isolated place we do start down that path of nobody loves me, the Lord doesn't know what I need, nobody understands me, etc...we give up hope. But I am learning to not allow myself to be isolated, but to speak what I am feeling and struggling with, what lies I am hearing. So I guess this long ramble to say today I thank the Lord for community and for his love that is unfailing. This morning we sang Great is Thy Faithfulness, so I will leave with the words from the chorus which I can sing and believe fully even in the midst of my pain:
  ...All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided
    Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto Thee.

Doctor's Office

I just went to my Rheumatologist's office. I really like my guy, his name is Marcus Owen. He is very kind, cares a lot about what I am feeling, has been aggressive with treating my pain. But I just hate going over there...really I just hate the waiting room. Everyone there is over 40, mostly over 65. Many people have canes, are limping, need help getting around. Nobody there looks my age. And it is crazy how fast my brain goes to fear about what my life will look like down the road when it comes to my Rheumatoid Arthritis. Will I be able to walk without pain, drive without pain, wash my hair without pain...the list can go on and on. I am re-reading the last Harry Potter before I go see the movie and had it with me in the waiting room. So I just kept trying to distract myself with broomsticks and potions and not let myself get sucked into my fears, but it didn't really work. I need better than Harry Potter...I needed some truth in my brain and my heart to speak into my fears...and it did come, just took the ride home to start hearing that whisper among the screams in my head. The whisper called to me: "you can trust me, I love you, I care for you." I heard it in the verses: Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. (Psalm 23), there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18), let the bones you have broken rejoice (Psalm 51:10). I may be one of those old ladies with a cane and a pink hat limping in to see my doctor one day, but I will not walk that path alone.
*(Just to complete the picture of the pink hat wearing lady today, she also had sunglasses, huge gold earrings and was wearing what appeared to be a blanket, and some kicking white sneakers..it was pretty awesome).

1 week

And 5 shifts and 1 test and hopefully a good portion of one paper...this is all that separates me from Thanksgiving df/veggie style, family, games, football, columbo, maybe Harry Potter, sleeping, hiking and relaxing. Can't wait..why does having an end in sight sometimes make things seem so much more bearable?

The Hiding Place

This is one of my all time favorite books. It would probably be one of the first books I would recommend to anyone. So I am about to lend it out to my friend and thought I would browse through the familiar pages before passing it off for awhile. My book is old and very worn, it smells like an old book (yum!), the pages are yellow and a few are falling out. I don't know how many times I have read this story and it always amazes me and brings comfort. It is the story of Corrie ten Boom whose family hid Jews during the war. It is an amazing story of faith...of their families faith in the Lord to step in and care for His people and their faith during immense trails. Betsie is my favorite character because of her intense unfaltering trust that I only wonder at how she ever could believe so fiercely when I look at my own doubts. Won't ruin anything, but here is a quote from it, one that Betsie said along the way: "There are no 'ifs' in God's world. And no places that are safer than other places. The center of His will is our only safety-O Corrie, let us pray that we may always know it!"

Fall Yumminess

As part of my attempt to help control my Rheumatoid Arthritis I have made some diet modifications. The first and most noticeable one was cutting dairy out of my diet. If you know me, you know that my diet was dairy..I could have been on some commercial eating yogurt, milk, cheese, cottage cheese, ice cream...you name it and I loved it. However, when I cut it out I saw a huge improvement in my pain. Huge! And thus started reading up on the inflammatory effects of certain foods. It has not been easy, but to me it is worth it to try and prevent the damage to my joints. I also cut out meat, which I a might or might not stick with...I have been a vegetarian at various other times mostly because I like it and have never been crazy about meat. Then I read the China Study, which will shake your decisions about meat eating (atleast it did mine). It is not about how animals are treated cruelly, but about various scientific research linking high intakes of animal protein to disease (cancer, heart disease, diabetes, autoimmune, etc). I still think there is room for moderation in that and just being aware of how much animal protein you take in. I think there is still a part of me that knows that my diet has been working and I have been feeling great and am scared to try something and risk the opposite, so until then, I am dairy and meat free.
Wow, what a tangent. I got on here to post a yummy butternut squash soup recipe. I have never cooked with this fall favorite, but I did the other night and it was great. There is another recipe I want to try that is sweet potato and butternut squash soup, but I forgot to buy a sweet potato and I hate going to the grocery store for one item..hate it. So I tried this one instead:

These are the majority of the ingredients: 1 butternut squash, 1 onion, 3 stalks of celery, 4 carrots, 4 cloves of garlic, olive oil, 4-5 cups veggie broth, salt, pepper (that is pepper in the mini corona bottle), ginger and other spices to taste. Cook the chopped onion in oil until soft, then add the carrots and celery and cook until soft. Next add butternut squash chopped (no need to pre cook) and veggie broth. Let cook on medium for 20 minutes until veggies are soft. Add spices to taste (I just used ginger and allspice but I think you could do a lot of different things here, cinnamon, nutmeg, etc). Once cooked, place in blender and blend until smooth. You can add 1/2 c of milk here but I think it would be fine without..I used a little almond milk.
I did not include a final product picture because it is hard to make pureed soup look glorious, but it sure tasted that way. Enjoy.

Wishing...

The past few days I have been wishing I was back at Tenwek. So here's to many fun memories and kids (and some bigger kids) who have touched my heart in so many ways.

A Place You Have Never Been

At church we have been reading through Joshua and talking about leadership...how each of us is being called or is leading in some area of their life and what a Biblical picture of this is. A few months ago Randy talked about Joshua 3 and it is something that has come up again and again for me, thus the post.
In Joshua 3, the Lord is calling the Israelites to cross the Jordan River. Now it describes the Jordan in this way: v 15 "for the Jordan overflows all its banks all the days of the harvest" So the Lord tells Joshua to have several priests carry the ark of the covenant of Lord into the rushing waters of the Jordan and then for the 40,000 or so Israelites to follow. Not sure about you, but if I was following Joshua I would have a lot of problems with this plan and would be able to tell him about 17 other plans that would work better, not his crazy plan to carry the ark of the covenant of the Lord into rushing, overflowing waters (read pride, control). In the Lord's command to do this, he says at the very end v.4 "for you have not passed this way before." Again, I would be muttering under my breath, yea, I have never been this way before because nobody has ever had such a ridiculous plan as this.Oh and the Lord says the Ark is to travel a certain distance ahead of the people.
If you continue reading the chapter you see that as soon as the priests carrying the Ark step into the rushing waters, the water stops. Now the Israelites are following at their specific distance behind the Ark, so they can see that the Lord has provided and that they have a clear, dry path to cross the Jordan. Then all the people cross and before the waters start to rush again, Joshua has the people gather stones from the bed of the Jordan River and pile them in a location.These stones are Ebeneezer stones, or reminders of how the Lord provided for the people, to remind them, for them to tell their children, etc. Remember
In different "leading" roles and really just in general in life lately, I feel like the Israelites might have felt; like the Lord is leading me into this crazy place. But in his statement that "you have not passed this way before" is a glorious reminder that the Lord is the one doing the work...I have not had the experience or the capacity to know how to do what he is leading me into. But He is the one leading, and lets me know that he will provide and that his promises are true, and that my job is to follow where he is leading. They were led by the ark of the covenant of the Lord, by this promise that the Lord made with them...and I am led by promises. I am also told to remember...and for me in remembering I lay aside my fears as I know that he is providing in this circumstance just has he has historically for me.
Keep reading in Joshua...the next thing the Lord does is stop them all to circumcise the men and force them to rest and heal...

Fall Bike Ride

Last weekend we had ideal fall weather, which Leah and I took advantage of. She had never been to one of my favorite bike riding locations in Nashville...the Old Natchez Trace and Del Rio Rd. Some of the sights... I was hoping for lots of yellow leaves. Most of the leaves had fallen so I didn't get that, but it is just beautiful out there.

Little short stop during the ride

Glad we went last weekend because today it is cold and wintery!

Mumford and Sons

Several friends have been telling me, "you would love Mumford and sons...listen to them." So I have been; I made it my pandora station, which has also opened my ears to some other great artists. Anyway, I am enjoying many of their songs, particularly the lyrics. I am a big lyrics person...love wondering about the meaning or the words or what a group might believe. So here are some of the beautiful lyrics from After the Storm:
  And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
  And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
  Get over your hill and see what you find there,
  With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair
Love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. That was what I looked to love for today...to dismiss my fears and dispel the lies that I so easily believe.

 

Birthday

Happy Birthday to this girl! Can't imagine what my life would look like without her..for all she has taught me, helped me through and given me in her friendship. Happy Birthday!