Preparing

I have found myself doing really strange things in the last few weeks preparing for surgery. I have felt this need to wrap things up nicely like I am not going to be able to do anything afterwards. I have been cleaning out my room, my house and wanting things to be "settled" before I enter into this next stage. I think that has come from my experience the last time around. I wasn't blogging at the time but to sum it up, God used the time to really shake things up...my identity and discovering who I was apart from my job, my ability to be athletic, my ability to help others...whew, that alone was a lot. It was a really challenging season. My self proclaimed nickname Tears Nesbitt was birthed in this season somewhere along the way.
I don't know if in my anticipation of that happening again I have felt like I need things to start of in a neat place or what.
But thankfully God has gifted me with sweet reminders these past two days...he has given friends to speak words of love and encouragement, he has brought his peace, he has given me the gift of beautiful sunsets and laughing children and work to occupy my hands and mind. I am reminded over and over, even when my heart just wants to be angry and defiant, that God is here with me in each season-the hard ones and the smoother ones. And no matter how much I don't want to step into what he is about to shake up, he will provide what I need to get through it.

Woods

Haven't posted much lately...life has been busy and my brain has been busy. Today I got some unexpected much needed free time, so I took it to the woods, to one of my favorite places in Nashville. Even though it was literally 100 degrees outside, somehow once you walk into the woods it is cooler, more peaceful and there is room to breathe and think and that is what I needed and what I did. I so easily start worrying about things down the road, anticipating things that may never happen. It is so hard for me to stay in today, to trust that God knows the path ahead of me and I don't need to know that right now.

Memories

How sweet the silent backward tracings!
The wanderings as in dreams-the meditation of old times resumed-their loves, joys, persons, voyages.
   Walt Whitman

Photo Blog

Just a few phone shots from the last few days.

Paddy pan squash from the Farmer's Market

Evening walk on the greenway

I made a quiche! And it was only slightly disasterous

Flowers from the yard

Making me New

Yesterday we sang Beautiful Things at church. The chorus speaks so much truth to my heart that sometimes feels like it is only filled with grossness:
  You make beautiful things...you make beautiful things out of the dust
  You make beautiful things...you make beautiful things out of us.
I am happy for the promise that God is continually at work, making beautiful things out of my messes, working struggles out for my good, revealing truth even if it is difficult.
Read this Nouwen quote yesterday as well:
  Many of us are tempted to think that if we suffer, the only important thing is to be relieved of our pain. We want to flee it at all costs. But when we learn to move through suffering, rather than avoid it, then we greet it differently. We become willing to let it teach us. We even begin to see how God can use it for some larger end. Suffering becomes something other than a nuisance or curse to be evaded at all costs, but a way into deeper fulfillment. Ultimately mourning means facing what wounds us in the presence of One who can heal.
  Hopeful that this idea of suffering can become a way of me viewing life. Especially in light of what the  upcoming weeks hold...

Sunday Quotes

From Randy's sermon this morning:
   Everything that gives me identity apart from Jesus separates me from others.
Psalm 23:6:
  Surely your goodness and love with follow me all the days of my life

Kindred Hearts

Today I was reminded of a sweet gift I have been given for many years now. As I was talking to my friend today we, or really she realized that in two very different life circumstance we were experiencing a similar struggle at its core. And my friend embraced me in my struggle and I was able to hear her in hers. Thankful that even though lots of miles separate our two homes we are still so deeply connected. Thankful that she can speak words that my heart needs to hear, that she understands me so well and yet still loves me. Thankful that God chooses messy people like ourselves to love and listen and speak truth. Today I needed these reminders.
This picture is from a fun adventure before she moved away. I love it because it captures such blissfulness in both of us, ready to step in to the adventure of life together.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

Farm

Leah's brother is working on a bio-dynamic farm. I don't know exactly what that means but I have been excited about going out to the farm to check it out. We went the other day. It isn't too far outside of town and is amazing. Here are a few photos. They just got some pigs who were entertaining to watch and listen too. Supposedly they will gain 2 lbs a day to be ready to be sold. Those are the only animals they have. Otherwise it is lots of veggies

You can't see it really well, but there are hops growing up the wires in the back. They sell these to a local brewery for beer.

I am hoping they will have some harvesting days before my surgery so I can go out and help. I think I could get used to living out of town on some land and working it.
My own "farm" is growing well too. Potatoes are ready for eating. Everything else is getting bigger and bigger every day.

Zucchini

I know, awesome photo, but this is how tall our tomatoes are!

Green bean flowers

Baby squashes...so cute

Song for Tuesday

I am a big Andrew Peterson fan and I follow his posts on the Rabbit Room blog. I like his music because of the richness and honesty of his lyrics. Last week he posted about a group of musicians he knows who will be touring with him. He talked about a song they sing called To the Ends of the World that brings him to tears, so I decided it was worth my 99 cents on itunes. And let me tell you, it has been worth it. Besides the fact that I like the style of music the lyrics speak such truth.
I think it is a song of grief or fear that leads us to run, yet no matter what, we can't run away from God's love. It also reminds me of community and how important it is to have people in your life who will stand and not leave you even in the midst of the yuck. Here are some of the lyrics:
you run as far as you can run from love..

you fight you fight love like a champion fights..
to the ends of the world
i run as fast as i can run to love

i fight for you i fight until I've died for you still you can't escape my heart 
you can't escape my heart cause my heart runs to the ends of the world
and your heart is broken
 you try to run yet you hardly stand 
and your knees are shaking your stride is breaking like your running in the sand 
and your pace is slowing and your eyes they see nowhere 
when i have you in arms i feel you in my arms you know where love begins 

Re-post

I have been struggling today with believing lies and not hearing truth, so I decided to look back through my blog/journal. That is part of why I do this...to help me remember, to be okay with the fact that no matter how time goes by I still believe the same lies and forget the truth, to humble me, to help me be thankful for faithfulness. So I found this post from October 2010. Can't remember what exactly was going on then, but it is funny how I read this and in so many ways feel in the exact same place and also feel okay about that.

Why is seeing ourselves for who we really are so difficult? I sometimes hold so firmly to this picture of myself that I think or wish is me and become terrified at the thought of people seeing what lies beneath that image. I believe most of us feel this way. Sadly I think it has only been in the past few years that (minus my family) I have been brave enough to let people start to peek beneath the image, to not give the answers I think I ought, to answer what I think and believe and allow me to shine through the cracks.. It is crazy though, the more it happens, like most things, the less scary it is. I am learning the freedom of living in who I have been created to be.
Yes there is a lot of good in this, of seeing the ways the Lord has gifted me and starting on this life long journey of understanding how the Lord loves me and what this love transforms about me, my life and others around me. There is also the hard stuff, of the yuck of me being revealed..all the ways I try to defend myself, protect myself, still think I need to be this other image, wish I was a different way, think I am better than others...the list gets longer and grosser. I know the Lord is in these places as well, that those thoughts don't bring shame but remind me yet again of this deep immeasurable love that I get to swim freely in. Doesn't make it any easier, but I have the confidence of being loved even in the yuck.
But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (Eph 2:4-5)

Enjoy

I am about a month away from immobility. Yikes! Last month I worked a lot of overtime. Now I am trying to enjoy things these days, which makes me wonder why I don't have this attitude all the time. It's weird how a time limit and some other stuff has made me realize I have settled into a pattern, not necessarily a bad pattern, but one where I don't always think a lot about what I am doing it or why I am doing it. I will have plenty of time to contemplate all of this soon in my hours of down time.
But for now, back to enjoying things...the other day I was dusting and actually found myself enjoying even something like that. I don't actually think I will miss dusting when I sit on my couch but I know I will miss using my legs. So even though it hurts I am trying to max it out this month. Planning for some good day hikes, been biking more, going out on a river today, going on trips..you get the picture. I am also enjoying my hydrangeas a lot this year..been waiting for them to finally bloom so well!