Re-post

I have been struggling today with believing lies and not hearing truth, so I decided to look back through my blog/journal. That is part of why I do this...to help me remember, to be okay with the fact that no matter how time goes by I still believe the same lies and forget the truth, to humble me, to help me be thankful for faithfulness. So I found this post from October 2010. Can't remember what exactly was going on then, but it is funny how I read this and in so many ways feel in the exact same place and also feel okay about that.

Why is seeing ourselves for who we really are so difficult? I sometimes hold so firmly to this picture of myself that I think or wish is me and become terrified at the thought of people seeing what lies beneath that image. I believe most of us feel this way. Sadly I think it has only been in the past few years that (minus my family) I have been brave enough to let people start to peek beneath the image, to not give the answers I think I ought, to answer what I think and believe and allow me to shine through the cracks.. It is crazy though, the more it happens, like most things, the less scary it is. I am learning the freedom of living in who I have been created to be.
Yes there is a lot of good in this, of seeing the ways the Lord has gifted me and starting on this life long journey of understanding how the Lord loves me and what this love transforms about me, my life and others around me. There is also the hard stuff, of the yuck of me being revealed..all the ways I try to defend myself, protect myself, still think I need to be this other image, wish I was a different way, think I am better than others...the list gets longer and grosser. I know the Lord is in these places as well, that those thoughts don't bring shame but remind me yet again of this deep immeasurable love that I get to swim freely in. Doesn't make it any easier, but I have the confidence of being loved even in the yuck.
But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (Eph 2:4-5)