happy halloween

These are the pumpkins we carved the other night...(yes, there is one that looks like a vampire...Adrienne and Twilight won over our design)

Love

Love is never efficient, but always effective.
This is a phrase my pastor Randy uses a lot. And isn't it so true. I may not see the speedy responses or changes that I eagerly anticipate, but the Lord's love has its way of effectively teaching, transforming, challenging, growing, and tenderly caring for my heart. Just been thankful for that today. In the midst of so many questions in my life being unanswered I have the joy of standing and waiting in this confidence: that I have the Lord's love in control. Mighty fine thing, isn't it?
And doesn't this fall weather just bring a smile to your face?

Self

Why is seeing ourselves for who we really are so difficult? I sometimes hold so firmly to this picture of myself that I think or wish is me and become terrified at the thought of people seeing what lies beneath that image. I believe most of us feel this way. Sadly I think it has only been in the past few years that (minus my family) I have been brave enough to let people start to peek beneath the image, to not give the answers I think I ought, to answer what I think and believe and allow me to shine through the cracks.. It is crazy though, the more it happens, like most things, the less scary it is. I am learning the freedom of living in who I have been created to be.
Yes there is a lot of good in this, of seeing the ways the Lord has gifted me and starting on this life long journey of understanding how the Lord loves me and what this love transforms about me, my life and others around me. There is also the hard stuff, of the yuck of me being revealed..all the ways I try to defend myself, protect myself, still think I need to be this other image, wish I was a different way, think I am better than others...the list gets longer and grosser. I know the Lord is in these places as well, that those thoughts don't bring shame but remind me yet again of this deep immeasurable love that I get to swim freely in. Doesn't make it any easier, but I have the confidence of being loved even in the yuck.
But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (Eph 2:4-5)

Psalm 62

My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation...
(v 5-6)

Shepherd

A week ago I was sitting, bundled up in the woods listening to some great teaching by the pastors at my church. I went to a small group leaders "retreat"...a night away, basically 24 hours where we were loved on with great food and drink, with time to rest, with time to learn, with time to fellowship. It was a great 24 hours.

The topic of the teaching was shepherding...specifically the Lord as our shepherd and how he calls us into shepherding others with the heart, mind, and skills of a shepherd. There was a lot of great teaching and encouragement and challenges in the words brought, but a few I wanted to share:
Basically my inability in all of this is incredibly apparent...the fact that I must receive from the Lord and remember that I am loved in order to love. They talked about John 13 and Peter's unwillingness for the Lord to wash his feet. Jesus replied (v. 8) "If I do not wash you, you have no part with Me." Do I believe the Lord loves me? Do I believe that the Lord has me leading because he loves me and wants to reveal himself to me as much as to those I am leading? Another thing they talked on was the importance of being immersed in his love personally. What does that look like in my life? Obviously a lot of these have to do with the heart of the shepherd and where I feel like I am gifted more, so I need to spend more time praying and thinking on the mind and skills of a shepherd as well.
We also each spent time on our own in Psalm 23 and some of the biggest points for me were
The Lord is MY shepherd.
He restores my soul.
I shall not be in want
I fear no evil
My cup overflows
I could write a lot about this but much of it I am still processing and still learning from...these were some of my initial thoughts.

Holy Green Bean

So, last spring Leah and I built an above ground garden and planted some veggies. Some veggies did awesome, others never turned into a green sprout. It was a fun process and I am excited for next spring. I have been neglecting it because there is really just an old watermelon vine, the tomato bush, and some green bean plants we threw in the ground at the end of the season. Yesterday, in procrastinating for my tests I decided I must rake (my dad would be proud). So in the process I went to the garden and discovered ,this:

These green beans are way bigger than our first round of green beans in the spring. I don't know, I just love watching things grow...something about nature where I am amazed by how things work. I am sure there is a way to relate this to life, but right now I am just excited about eating green beans for dinner. Maybe we will plant some lettuce before it gets too cold.

Yay!

Good news from my Rheumatologist today...I went in expecting him to start me on another new medicine and was delighted to find he doesn't think that I need that right now. Yay! So I get to stick with my once a week shot and of course still the steroids. I feel really blessed to have found such a kind doctor who knows me and cares about me and what I am going through.
It is funny how in my mind I always expect the worst or take a scenario and play it out a few years down the line and see how horrible this one event will make my life. Why is my brain so programmed to think the worst is coming...is it so I am prepared or do I believe that it is the course of my life. Matthew 6 contains some of the wise words about not worrying. Before those words, it talks about storing up treasures in heaven, (v. 21) for where the treasure is, there your heart will be also. So if my heart is consumed with worry or expecting the worst, what does that say about what my treasure is...my health, my circumstances, what I see around me??? Some food for thought later.

More Soon

Things are a bit busy right now, but I will be posting soon about our leadership weekend. Until then I am spending my time with a cup of tea and my pathophysiology book...yummm!

I don't have a tea cup that is quite that fun, might make studying better. Once patho is complete, on to theory. In the midst of all that I will write some thoughts on our small group leaders retreat. To give you a taste and something to think about, we talked about shepherding...the heart, mind and skills of a shepherd. How are we shepherded and where/how are we being called into that role???

Philly Photos

My camera is nowhere near as stellar as Leah or Danielle's, but I did manage to sneak a few photos of our time together in Philly. The first day it was sunny and beautiful fall weather and then the rainy fall weather arrived. So we spent some time outside at the park swinging (well Lydia swinging and us being entertained) and some in, made a lot of yummy meals (and vegetarian, thanks!), drank plenty of coffee, played with this little one, and spent a lot of time talking.

We ventured out in the drizzle to the library and for a tour of some of downtown Philly. Lydia wasn't so sure about my head being so close to hers in this photo. One thing I love about where they live is that we can walk most places (my favorite being the bakery for fresh bread).

Lydia was prepared for the rain. Tuesday we gave into the rain and bought Beauty and the Beast to watch in the cold drizzle...that is an all time favorite! Fun times, only wish they got to happen every day...

6 month anniversary

It actually happened last week but I stopped today to think about it and realized that in technical terms, 6 months ago I found out I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. RA is an autoimmune disease that causes swelling of the areas around the joints. My brother pointed me recently to a NY Times article on living with RA and a woman they interviewed writes a blog about living with RA. I liked her definition of RA, so I am going to borrow it (and credit her of course) She talks about the immune system being an overachiever and because there is too much of certain inflammatory factors they are working overtime and attacking my own joints. They don't know what causes it or how to cure it. So it has become a part of life (oh yea, here is the link to the RA gal's blog).
I am sure I will talk about it from time to time as it has been a big part of the year 2010.
The first few months of adapting to RA I never thought I would say I would be thankful for it, but the Lord has been doing some slow work on my heart to where I can say I know that even this and how it affects my life is not too big for Him to handle. "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." (Eccl 11:5).
Here is to 6 months and who knows how many more years of RA and being surprised and amazed at the many ways the Lord works. (I think for this one we need to clink glasses of wine together...pumpkin spice lattes aren't enough)

Ikea

I wish Nashville had an Ikea, though it might not be good for the ole wallet. It was rainy and cold in Philly, so we made a trip to Ikea. And even though all I had was a my carry on sized suitcase I still managed to do a little damage. Who knew I needed a new comforter? Here it is in its new home.

Striving after Wind

A friend directed me towards Ecclesiastes a few weeks ago. I don't know that I have ever really stopped and sat in this book before. I am still not finished even with a first read through, but the Lord is speaking through it! Today there were a lot of verses that stopped me, but this one in particular was applicable to life right now.
Ecclesiastes 4:6: "One handful of rest is better than two fist fulls of labor and striving after the wind". If you know me, you know rest is a big challenge for me and giving up control of things is difficult. So here I stand asking the Lord to teach me what resting looks like. I know one thing, choosing the opposite, striving after the wind, sounds pretty tiring and quite frankly silly. I may be sacrificing whatever is in my fist fulls, but I think that is the point....in all things the Lord, not my labor or frivolous striving, will provide.

Back in Town

I have been visiting my dear friends in Philly, so haven't posted for awhile...more to come on the trip later. But for now I can say that other than having a blast and being entertained and charmed by a beautiful 11 month old, I am so deeply grateful for dear friends in my life. The 4 days were filled with conversation and people who pour into my life and listen to me with such love and tenderness and want to dig into both the dark harder places as well as the joyful easier places of life. (This means you too, Leah). In remembering how the Lord is constantly growing each of our hearts I will post a picture of their sweet now 11 month old from last December. What has the Lord done in your life in the last 11 months? (Soon you can see how she has grown!)

Fall is Here

I love the seasons...each one has it's own unique characteristics that are enjoyable in their own sense and for their specified amount of time. Fall is finally here in Nashville and I have been ready for it. Summer long overstayed its welcome in 2010 and I hope the fall sticks around for awhile before we hit winter.

Things I love about fall. The crisp air, the leaves-both the colors and even them falling leaves or piles that you can walk through and hear crunch, bonfires, driving with the windows open and the heat on because it is a little too chilly for it, camping, wearing long sleeves for the first time in months, pumpkin flavored anything, blue sky sunny days in the 70s, sleeping with the windows open...
So here's to the fall (this is where we clink our pumpkin spice latte cups together).