Twice

Twice today I have read something that talks about living in the present moment. First, in a book lent to me called Present Perfect and again in a Rabbit Room post. I know I have clearly not been living in the present moment as I am literally counting down the days to get rid of my crutches. I have been wishing hours and days away. So now, in light of what I have read, I am going to try and live in the present moment, not focused on what comes next or what has come before. And enjoy the place I am in now.

Progress

Tomorrow I will be 3 weeks out from surgery. Yay! These may have been the slowest 3 weeks of my life, but they are slowly ticking by. One more week until I get to start coming off my crutches.
In general I am feeling good, minimal pain, getting around, able to do all my PT. Today I got to do some planks and I can ride a bike for 15 minutes. Just gotta keep thinking about how much progress I have made since day one.
First day I couldn't get off the couch without someone helping, I couldn't lift my own leg without using my hand. When I went to PT on the first day after surgery I could only kick my leg up this high.

Now I can kick it up a lot higher and use a resistance band.

Mom painted my toes, nice, huh? So I am making steps forward. And I have to keep reminding myself of that and not think about all that I can't do. Soon I will be back to walking and then hopefully hiking and ballet and running around and playing.

Books

Among the I think I am up to 6 books I have read, one was C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain. I felt like it was a good one to save for when I was walking through something I wasn't super pumped about. I really enjoyed it...particularly the chapters on Human Pain. If you only have time for the highlights then just read those two chapters.
Here are a few quotes that I have been thinking on, some you may have heard:
Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world
When we are considering pain itself..we must be careful to attend to what we know and not to what we imagine
What is good in any painful experience is, for the sufferer, his submission to the will of God and for the spectators, the compassion aroused and the acts of mercy to which it leads
Our father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.
I know each of these statements are true. I need to hear them on repeat every day to actually begin to let my heart believe them, especially when walking through pain. But I imagine I am not alone in that :)

Thankful

Danielle has this in her house and I have been thinking about it a lot this week.

One of the biggest challenges thus far has been thankfulness and really, as this is the root of thankfulness, trust. I have fought a lot with being angry and annoyed that God would have me in this same place I was 3 years ago. Didn't I learn enough the last time around? Wasn't that and the last 2+ years with RA challenge enough for awhile? That is honestly what I have thought...a lot. My desire for life to be easy and not painful is so strong. I have had some pretty ugly words with God in the past 2 weeks, but even in spite of my gross attitude, God has brought change to my heart.
And in that I have been thinking about how to be thankful in each day, in this time, in the pain and frustration and in the unanswered questions.

The Happs

These are the happenings here: I read a lot, then read some more, throw in some PT, sit outside if it is nice enough, work on my puzzle, do some knitting....I am pretty much a full fledged Grandma. Just bring me a BINGO board and I will be set.
This is my current book stack. I am almost finished with my second novel in a little over a week so I am open to suggestions. The rest of the books I have to read in small increments, but am enjoying, though to be honest the history books are getting less playing time.
Tomorrow marks 2 weeks post surgery. That's two weeks on crutches left (plus the time it takes me to wean off my crutches).
Tomorrow I also have to say goodbye to my good friend the Game Ready. It has made these 2 weeks a lot more bearable. It is this incredible ice machine that shoots nearly freezing water into a sleeve that compresses around my hip. I literally lived in in for about 22 hours a day last week.

Shame

Yesterday Dave touched some on the idea of shame. He quoted William Blake who said "Shame is pride's cloak." I wrote the quote down and have been thinking a little on it. Thinking a little on how the places I am most prideful may be the places where shame finds it's cozy home.
Then today I picked up the book our girls' group is going through, The Gifts of Imperfection, and the whole chapter was about shame.
So I don't think I have a lot of really refined thoughts, more some quotes that I found powerful from the chapter...
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. 
Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us. 
...we're also afraid that if we tell our stories, the weight of a single experience will collapse upon us. There is a real fear that we can be buried or defined by an experience that, in reality, is only a sliver of who we are. 
Shame is a crazy identity that I think finds a home in all our lives in some way or another; sometimes it is a matter of identifying where it has made it's home; sometimes it is a matter of stepping out of this identity of shame and into the identity of I am fully known AND fully loved by God and his identity is what defines me.
Like all things of the spirit, easier said than done.

Mt. Kenya

I just changed by blog face; hope you like it. This is one of my favorite pictures from one of my favorite adventures. I am currently reading a book about mountaineering so it has made me think about my way less intense adventures high in the sky.
This has to my my favorite and also the most challenging. Don't get the wrong idea, it was not as intense as some hikes even in the states, but the elevation was high...higher than I had ever climbed. And more elevation gained in a 2 day period.
I took on this adventure with two great friends who both encouraged me joined me in relishing all the beauty we passed along the way.
I love Kenya for a lot of reasons and this is among them.

Pity Party for One

I am finally feeling like myself the past 2 days. I don't know if the anesthesia effects finally wore off or if it is taking less pain medicine that has brought me out of the fog, but I am glad to feel like me.
I have been having a pretty big pity party for myself in the last week. I can be good at throwing those parties but they are really only fun for me because I think it makes me feel better to feel bad for myself and my situation and to be mad at God and ignore him. But really it is not that much fun..it leaves me feeling empty and alone.
I returned to 1,000 Gifts to help pull me out of the fog yesterday and it sang to my hardened heart of a God who loves me, a God who I can trust.
And then last night my friend sent me a devotional/prayer, so this is an excerpt from that:
"The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue. Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love. Ps. 33:16-18

It is His unfailing love that we can, and must, hope in. There is no other supply sufficient to the need. There is no other strength sufficient for the task. There is no other balm sufficient for the pain. There is no other rest sufficient for the exhaustion. There is no hope sufficient for the crisis. "

I Never Thought..

I have already done several things I never thought I would do in the past few days. And I have been through this all before, yet I don't remember some of these awesome realities of being down a leg, on pain meds and post anesthesia.
I don't want to reveal how few showers I have taken in the last week
I went to get my haircut because it was easier than washing it in the shower..well I also needed to get my haircut but still
I became one of those old men who sits on a bench in the middle of the mall
I have fallen asleep mid conversation
I took a nap after a trip to Target
I have not remembered entire conversations
I felt tired after riding a bike for 5 minutes at PT
I am in love with this ice machine called Game Ready...I have spent more time with it in the last 5 days than with my Mom.
Because of this amazing ice machine I have been living under 2 blankets in 100 degree weather
I am sure I can think of more, but that is a start to give you an idea of what life looks like here. 

I am alive

I am alive, just been in spectrum of fogginess since last Thursday. But I am emerging slowly. Today I only took one very brief granny nap so I am starting to feel like the anesthesia is wearing off and my normal self is emerging. I am still on some pain meds which make me feel foggy and like I have no personality but hopefully I will be off those soon. I don't really understand why anyone would want to take pain meds recreationally  cause frankly, I don't love how I feel on them. But that is a side note.
My days now are consumed with twice daily physical therapy at home (they aren't messing around) and a lot of icing and laying around. Mom, of course, has been the most wonderful servant. And we are trying to get out of the house to do something each day...today was Las Paletas with some friends.
I have finally started feeling like reading again the past 2 days so I am up for any book or movie suggestions to help fill this time where I am not supposed to be doing too much.

Cali

Last weekend Mom and I ventured out to Southern Cal to see Jenne. It was a quick trip and Jen has recently injured her hand, but we packed our days full and had a great time. Here are some pics.
We went to Disneyland and of course had a blast. I don't think I will ever grow tired of going there.
The next day we drove south of where Jen lives to Palos Verdes down the coast and walked around at different absolutely gorgeous spots.

On Splash for the First Time

Champion on Toy Story

On maybe our 7th time on Thunder Mountain