White Christmas

This year, I got an extra Christmas present...a white christmas. Those of you who know me know I love snow, love to be out in it, love to watch it fall. Somehow it is still incredibly magical to me. Combine that with Christmas and  it is almost like taking me to Disney World (well, not quite, but close). The snow started falling in Winston around 11 and didn't let up until the next day, which left us with over 6 inches. Those of you from the north think I am crazy, but I am okay with that.

We went out in it as the sun was setting, so house pre walk. And then post walk with the Christmas lights on.

This is how much we ended up getting! The next day, after going for a walk in the snowy roads, I talked John and Dad into sledding and snow man making. We are easily the oldest children that live in our cold-e-sac but we were the only ones out. But it was really fun...the boogie board made for the best runs down the front yard.

Most of those piles of snow are still the same size in my parents yard, so we got to enjoy it all week!

Rest

I am not good at resting. I am usually multi-tasking or if I am trying to rest I am also thinking about all the things I need to do once I finish with my resting. I know it is an important thing as I need time to be refreshed and renewed, to sit and listen, and to not be doing well anything. The image that comes to mind is from Psalm 23: He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul. I find it interesting that it says He makes me lie down...that this is a process that is not always easy or something I always want to be doing, but something that I need to do enough that I will be made to do it. And in doing it He will restore my soul. And that this is something I need, otherwise I wouldn't be made to do it.
I have been doing a lot of resting since school finished, especially while on Christmas vacation. I got some unexpected days off work and have gotten to spend more time than I normally do sleeping, reading, relaxing, being outside, thinking, sitting. It has been really needed and I do feel refreshed.
I don't make new year's resolutions, but I do think in general I need to be mindful of: how much am I resting? Am I taking time to be still, to listen to my thoughts, to listen at all? Do I feel guilty for not doing something and taking time to do what is good for my soul?

Christmas

I know, day late, but better late than never. Just wanted to share from the Jesus Storybook Bible. This is the intro to the Bible; Andrew Peterson reads this before Behold the Lamb of God and it really sums up the story of Christmas, the story of Christ. Anyway, they say it better, so here it is:
The Bible isn't a book of rules, or a book of heroes. The Bible is most of all a Story. It's an adventure story about a young Hero who comes from a far country to win back his lost treasure. It's a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace, his throne-everything-to rescue the one he loves. It's like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life! You see, the best thing about this Story is-it's true.
There are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves his children and comes to rescue them.
It takes the whole Bible to tell this Story. And at the center of the Story, there is a baby. Every Story in the Bible whispers his name. He is like the missing piece in a puzzle- the piece that makes all the other pieces fit together, and suddenly you can see a beautiful picture.
And this is no ordinary baby. This is the Child upon whom everything would depend.
Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and was struck by the wonder of the gift of Christ

Journal

I finished my journal yesterday. I am a journal-er..it helps me process, it helps me stay focused when I pray so my mind doesn't ping pong in a million directions. But I also love being able to look back, to see where I was, to see the things the Lord has been teaching, to see the process and to remember. So I did that yesterday when I finished. This journal contains a lot...a lot has happened in the last year and 2 months and there was a lot that I have struggled through in this time and a lot that I am thankful for. I could write more about this, but I am not sure I am ready to yet, so instead I will leave you with the last words in my green fabric print journal.
Psalm 37: 5 and 7
 Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He will do it. Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.

The Silver Chair

A year ago I started re-reading CS Lewis Chronicles of Narnia. I haven't been reading them straight through (don't worry about my reading ability to get through some kids books). I read them when I am in between books: I have finished my book but don't have the next book from the library yet. So last week I started the Silver Chair, the next in line. I read all of these as a kid, but it has been a long while since I got to the end of the chronicles. Enjoyable story...I like all the worlds he creates and leads you into. But as I am reading I know there is some deeper meaning, just waiting to surface. So Saturday night in my reading I got to the peak of the story and then sitting in church I realized some deeper meaning..it all clicked together. It helps if you just read the story, but I will try to explain
The story is about 2 children whom Aslan calls on a journey to find the lost Prince. Aslan give  them 4 steps to follow and they are accompanied by a pessimistic Marsh-Wiggle (think tall man with frog feet and hands) on their jounry. The journey is long and tiresome and they are lured by warm beds and quickly forget the steps they are to follow. They are awakened out of the wrong path and start following the steps again, which lead them into a world of caves; deeper and deeper they go and the people/dwarves they encounter are somber and there is darkness everywhere. They finally arrive and meet another man who claims to be someone and knows nothing of Narnia or the Prince they are looking for. That is, until the children and marsh wiggle break him free of a spell that has been upon him by a witch. To break the spell they must trust in what they have been told by Aslan and risk losing everything, but trust they do and are amazed to find this man is actually the Prince. They have to fight their way out and continue to fight the enchantments the witch wants to place on them, enchantments that call them to stay in the darkness and forget everything they have been told by Aslan.
That is the gist of the story and yesterday I realized some parallels to my life: everything around me tries to enchant me or be king over my life or promise me happiness or fulfillment so that I forget to listen to the voice of the one who loves me more deeply. The Prince has been trapped by these enchantments and is living in darkness and has forgotten his own name and whose he is...I am the same as I get lost and so used to the darkness and listen and hope that these other things will bring life. While the voice of the one who loves me is quietly calling me to the surface, to real love and real promises of life.
I have gotten my next book from the library, the Monster of Florence, so it will be awhile until I move onto the next Chronicle. But I highly recommend them for a quick read that promises to speak deeper truths in a magical way.

Kairos

Several months back a friend guided me towards Ecclesiastes when I was facing some conflict. I ended up reading the whole book, but the passage he had referenced was 3:1-8. It's the one about a time to give birth, a time to die, etc...lots of times for lots of different things. At that point the Lord spoke through it to my situation.
Then today I went back to it and then randomly read this about the word time in a different book: The greek word kairos means time, not like what time is it or a time of day but "time that is characterized by what happens in it." (Buechner). So I started thinking about what time I am in right now in terms of what is happening. In this passage there are a lot of different "times": birth, death, plant, uproot, tear down, build up, weep, laugh, mourn, dance, be silent, talk, hate, love, search, give up as lost, etc. Some of these bring up a lot of questions, like there is a time to hate? What does that look like mixed with love?
But, right now I think I am in a time of silence, not a lot feels like it is necessarily happening, no major ups or downs, just a lot of steady as she goes. The Lord is being faithful in this and is continuing to speak in the silence, which I am thankful for. Personally I have a hard time with not equating that to being boring so this is a different lens for me to view it through. But, it is interesting to view events or things in your life through this lens...for instance moving and leaving things you love is a time to uproot and to see what is happening in that process of uprooting. Or relationships...knowing there are times to give up as lost in hopes that the Lord can redeem and bring a time for love as these are his relationships. Anyway, I could go on, but I won't...that is all.

Holiday Love

I love holiday traditions and things that remind me of the magic of Christmas. One of these loves is the simple Christmas shows: The Grinch and Charlie Brown Christmas..they remind of being a kid and believing in Santa and being so excited to see what would happen Christmas morning. It reminds me of time with my family. This is one of my favorite clips from Charlie Brown. (Sorry I don't know how to paste a you tube video on here yet) Which one is your favorite dance? I love the guy in the orange shirt whose head just turns side to side or the twins in the purple dresses.

Snow and other thoughts

I know, we freak out in the south when it snows. Yesterday we got about 2 inches along with weather in the teens and really strong winds. I love love the snow..I love to be out in it and I love that everything seems so much quieter when it snows...it is like the world stops and watches is. I know this isn't actually true, but I know most of us down here stop and watch because we don't get to see it too frequently.
I lucked out and had today off, which I never have Mondays off. So I got to enjoy it for two days. Tomorrow I go back to work and I am sure it will all be melted by the time I have a day off again. Here are a few shots of the walk today. We have a greenway about half a mile from our house that I love going to in the snow. There is a creek and several neat bridges and it is closer to being in the woods than the streets are. Snow makes mundane things beautiful and sparkly and clean. I wish there was a way to take a picture of how the snow makes things shimmer.

The snow starting last night

Casa...it was really windy so the pretty tree snow didn't stick around.

This is why we freak out: ice!

Tomorrow morning it is supposed to be 8 degrees outside when I walk in to work...I am not so sure about that or how to make my paper thin scrub pants give me some warmth out there.The other nice thing about the snow is a lot of things get canceled. Today was supposed to be a busy day for me and I have ended up with a lot more time to relax and enjoy being outside and enjoy reading and journaling. At church they have been preaching about the wonder of the season and I have wanted to spend a lot of time reading and thinking about this...this idea of me being wow-ed by Christ and his love and sacrifice and all that went into the telling of this story and the redemption of what was told. Today I was reading Isaiah 61, the end of which has always been a favorite. But the first few verses are where I was today..telling of the spirit of the Lord. Some of the phrases in verse 3 stopped me: "to comfort all who mourn, to grant those who mourn in Zion, giving them a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting , so they will be called oaks of righteousness."
I know I wrote last week about my grumpiness and discontent and these verses spoke to me in this as well. They spoke to the places of me that doubt who the Lord made me to be and the doubt I have when life gets hard (as it always seems to be). The spoke of the Lord's spirit comforting, gifting me, filling me with gladness and praise and renaming me an oak, a strong tower of his righteousness. Spend some time on the wonder of that!
Oh and I found dairy free cookies at Trader Joe's today!

127 Hours..A review

I like movies, but I usually miss them in the theaters. But this is one I have been looking forward to. When this true story happened 6 or 7 years ago I was fascinated by it and read and watched and learned the details of the story. You may not have heard of the movie 127 Hours. I will tell you, it is not for the faint hearted. Back in 2003 the story of Aron Ralston surfaced...an outdoor adventurer who went out to Canyonlands on his own and during his hike got trapped by a boulder at the bottom of a slot canyon. Nobody knew where he had gone and he was alone with an 800 lb boulder pinning his right hand. He had prepared to be out for the day only so had only a few snacks and a small amount of water, no layers, not even a proper knife. The movie follows his adventure leading up to the incident, his 5 day stay at the bottom of a slot canyon, his thoughts and recordings of himself while there, and his bizarre escape The movie is based on the true story of Aron and his fight to live.
I think most know the story...he cuts his arm off in order to escape. Yes, they show it and no I didn't really watch that part or listen because you can imagine how incredibly horrible that would be. But I do think the story is great even with this gruesome scene. He fought hard to stay alive. Once he had done the dirty work he still had 8 miles to get back to his car. But he kept going...
For me nature is one of those places that helps remind me of how small I am and how great the Lord is and how insane his creation is...the canyonlands of Utah are no exception to this.
Obviously  being close to death makes him examine his life, how he lives, how he loves those in his life, etc. In the story Aron even says something to the effect of: my whole life has been leading up to this moment, this boulder has been waiting for me to come for this to happen. Which gets me thinking about all the things that have happened in my life to get me to this exact moment I am in. Am I thankful for those things? Am I thankful for where I am? Is Aron thankful that he had that whole experience? He didn't quit hiking and climbing and being in nature..I think he just tells someone where he is headed now. So he didn't let fear keep him from pursuing what he loved.
Anyway, great movie, James Franco does a really good job, go prepared for the scene but don't let it keep you from enjoying the story.

December on Georgia

Here is our tree this year. I know...all the same ornaments. When I get to my parent's house I will show you what our tree was growing up...a big mish mash of ornaments, many homemade ones. Some of our homemade ones are just a picture we drew of a tree or my little girl handwriting that says Christmas or baby. But I don't have that many ornaments acquired, plus I like the red and silver ones. I am still looking for a tree topper that I like.
This is the third year Adrienne and I have picked out a tree and decorated together while watching the Grinch..crazy! This year several others in line were jealous of our tree..I think they were hoping we would put it down. We have mastered the skill of tapping the tree on the ground to shake it out (a skill we copied from someone else).
Now, Leah is a big fan of the outdoor decorations...here is the front of our house.

You can tell which side is hers. What is that on the far left, you might be wondering.

An inflatable moving snow globe! Yes..each year I think our outdoor collection will grow.
I am enjoying the smell of the tree and the lights. It is weird how just having a tree downstairs makes me stop a lot more and just sit...maybe I should keep it up year round so I rest more.

Honesty

A bit of honesty here...Thanksgiving break was great but I came back and the whole week after was just down. I honestly just felt a lot of discontent for my life and for the places the Lord has for me now...I was looking at each situation and seeing the worst and looking at others and wondering why I don't have this or could I just slip out of town and start all over with a new life that is frame worthy. It doesn't help that I am reading a book where the main character changes identities...darn fiction. Anyway I was struggling with trusting the Lord and doing a good job of it. I won't go into all the tiny details but let's just say even in my disbelief the Lord is still faithful and used some different scriptures, words and time alone when I didn't want time alone to speak gently to my down trodden heart. In reflecting on it, a dear friend and I were just talking about how easy it is to forget the Lord is for me and to start trusting all the things I see or desire. Then today I read this and it resonated with how my heard longs for such stability of never failing of never forgetting yet I will continue to forget and to fail.
"But triumph and failure always go together in the wait of faith. They are the head and tail of the same coin. Show me a person who has had no struggle with waiting, whose faith has known no swings between victory and defeat and I'll show you a person who has never really trusted God with his or her life. To wait on God is to struggle and sometimes to fail. Sometimes the failures teach us more than the successes. For the failures teach us that to wait on God is not only to wait for his mercy, but to wait by his mercy." (From Waiting by Ben Patterson)

Come Thou Long Expected Jesus

This is one of my favorite Christmas song. Nothing against songs like Away in a Manger, but some Christmas songs do nothing for me when I listen to the lyrics as I am a lyrics girl. When I listen to a song, yes the tune and instrumentation are important, but I am really all for the lyrics...I love to dissect them, spend time wondering on the meaning if they are cryptic, and hang on to some bits of truth for use later when my brain needs a reminder.
So this is a great lyrics song for me.

Come, Thou long expected Jesus
Born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel's strength and consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.

Born Thy people to deliver,
Born a child and yet a King,
Born to reign in us forever,
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.
By Thine own eternal Spirit
Rule in all our hearts alone;
By Thine all sufficient merit,
Raise us to Thy glorious throne.

Bits of truth for me to mull over, look at my life though and remember on a rainy moment in the near future: from my sins and fears release me, let me find my rest in thee. Strength, hope, desire, and joy of my longing heart. Rule in my heart alone. Thine all sufficient merit.

Mary's Words

The person I find myself wondering about the most in the Christmas story is Mary. Joseph, yes he had a big role to not leave Mary, etc. But Mary, this girl who was supposed to get married to Joseph...did they know each other, was this a marriage set up by family?....who then has to tell him that she is pregnant. Now explaining the craziness of the pregnancy to people you knew would be hard enough but if Mary and Joseph weren't star crosssed lovers, that had to be one challenging step. Then she has to know that everyone around her is talking about her...you can't hide a pregnancy. And if it was me I would feel so silly telling the story and explaining how I was pregnant and who was coming. So here she is the talk of the town, in a different place, with Joseph. Yet in the midst of all this stuff, she had heard an angel speak to her and tell her "Do not be afraid...For nothing is impossible with God." And she held onto those words and trusted them! When she goes to see Elizabeth these are her words: "My sould exalts in the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior. For He has regard for the humble state of His bondslave; For behold, from this time on all generations will count me blessed. For the Mighty One has done great things for me; and holy is His name." (Luke 1:46-48)
I cannot look on my own life in similar terms...Mary is saying she is blessed by this crazy situation. Did she really know the extent of who was slowly growing in her tummy and how he would change the world? Or did she trust so completely on her Lord that when he said Do not be afraid, she held fast to those words and obeyed?
Don't even get me started on what it would have been like raising the Messiah!

Amani Children's Foundation and my Mom

Where to start in this story? The story starts many years ago with a dear friend named Jane. She and her husband were in Kenya working and learned of the plight of abandoned babies in Kenya. Working at a mission hospital they saw or routinely heard of children who were simply abandoned after birth, left in trashcans, latrines, on someone's doorstep. The reasons for why they are left are varied: mother dies in childbirth, HIV + parents... Then they heard of a place called New Life Home, a house who takes these babies, nurses them back to health, takes care of them, and most importantly showers them with love.
The story expanded to small Winston-Salem, NC where others learned of the story through Jane and Chad. And eventually they started a non profit called Amani Children's Foundation. This non profit raises money so those babies can live and have a home and be loved and known and hopefully adopted.
My mom has been good friends with Jane, so knew about New Life Home. Then she traveled to Kenya 5 years ago and saw the love of New Life Home and started constantly thinking of how she could give more or do more to help save those babies lives. Her generous heart has since been working overtime thinking of these babies. She now works for the non profit and spends hours of time making bead necklaces.
Let me take a step back...one of the ways Amani raises money for the babies is by using Kenyan beads to make necklaces, which they sell along with other products. This project of necklace making started small: people would host bead parties in their homes. Last year they opened their office during the holidays to sell the necklaces and some other merchandise and were surprised by the response. So this year they have stepped out in faith and rented some retail space and opened a store. Here is the finished product.

While home at Thanksgiving I got to see what my mom has created in this store and was amazed.

All the necklaces and earrings you see hanging are mainly created by mom...yep, lots of hours of beading. When I am home I always put a few together, but nothing like she does. Here are Mom and John.

Our house is filled with beads...here is our dining room table

Aren't the colors so amazing? Anyway, I am so proud of my mom. I love watching the generosity and love she has for the babies and children and those who are there loving them and praying for them to find homes. Here is one of those cuties: That's it, just wanted to share about my mom!

Carrying Burdens

If I had to summarize big themes of what I have been learning about myself I could come up with atleast two off the top of my head. First, I don't know the extent to which I am loved. The second, and topic of this blog, is that I seem to carry burdens or take on emotionally and mentally and spiritually the responsibility for things that are not mine. I realized this again yesterday. After a relaxing break at my parents I felt burdens piling upon my shoulders as I got back to Nashville. I didn't realize until yesterday all of the things I was feeling responsible for and how dragged down and weighty I felt.
In taking some time yesterday I had a realization...all these things I feel responsible for I have at some time or another turned them over to the Lord. However I was forgetting to continue to talk to him about these things and in not doing so I take them on as mine to fight and mine to fix. I am impatient in my waiting to see the Lord work. Two scriptures that came to mind from Matthew: Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.(7:7) and Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest...for my yoke is easy and my burden is light (11:28, 30). Both of these verses speak of communication: come, ask, seek, knock...that is simply what I do and in doing so will feel the easiness and lightness of the Lord's rest.
 

Rainy Day Blah

It is a cold, rainy Nashville day. And I have a cold and a paper to write. I have not been feeling very Christmas-y yet...I know it is only a few days after Thanksgiving, but the days of listening to Christmas music and looking at lighted trees are so few I like to maximize them. So to improve my situation today I decided to pull out my most favorite Christmas album: Andrew Peterson's Behold the Lamb of God. This isn't traditional Christmas tunes, but the story of Christ starting from the old testament prophecy. It is almost like a symphony in terms of all the instruments and singing parts with great lyrics that combine to tell this amazing story. I love it. I don't think I have a favorite song and it is hard to even pick out lyrics that speak because the whole story blends together so well and is so complete.Ultimately I love that it tells the story of love. So, here's to a season of reflecting on such great love.

Giving Thanks

This year I got to attend family Thanksgiving! That is a lot to give thanks for because it has been 4 years since I have gotten to be at the Bruce family thanksgiving. This year, Richmond hosted, and not everyone was able to make it (as happens now that we are all older) but it was a lot of fun. This is the kid representation. This year there was no kid table. Now if you have attended Bruce family thanksgivings in past years there is always an adult table and a kid table. Every year we older kids hope to graduate to the adult table. I don't think John has ever made it to the adult table. But with the smaller crowd we all got to sit at the same table. Funnily enough we sat kids at one end and adults at the other...maybe we secretly like the kid table.

A few games of speed scrabble and quiddler happened, some pool (turns out uncle dave is pool shark), football, and crosswords and lots of lounging. 

Infinite Wisdom

So, in light of my post yesterday about my pain and the newness of life with RA, I decided to post about some of the things I have been learning in the waiting. Waiting is and always will be a challenging thing in life; I want things now, I don't want to be in a place of uncertainty and mystery, I want to know what is happening next and even more so, why. The why question can lead us down so many of the wrong paths to where we are so hung up on knowing why we can't see anything else around us.
In our girls bible study we are reading a book simply entitled Waiting by Ben Patterson. Great great book so far. We are only in chapter 3 or 4 but each chapter has really challenged the idea of waiting and the ideas of how I view the Lord. He uses the lives of Job and Abraham to talk about the idea of waiting. So far we have been in the chapters on Job. Here is a quote from the book: "For reasons we can only guess at, God chooses in his infinite wisdom and love not to answer many of our "Why?" questions. But he does always give us his presence. As we suffer and wait it is better to forget about finding out "Why" and instead learn about "Who." For He is the treasure to be found in all that hurts us."
Comfort in Greek means to come alongside and this is the picture that I have of my God, coming alongside me in my pain and fears and being present and reminding me that he is providing and that is all I need to know. I don't need to know the next step or what the "purpose" of the pain is, I am simply to trust in Him and rest in his presence with me.

Flare

I know my last post was about RA, and yet another. But I am still learning what the reality of this disease is. Last night I think I experienced my first flare and was brought back to January and the pain of when this all started happening. I also realized the different types of pain I experience with this. Now some mornings I wake up with just an achy stiff feeling in my fingers, but this goes away after a few hours and I am lucky to only rarely experience it. I also have days where I am exhausted. This flare feeling is way worse. It starts and I can feel the joint (yesterday's case was my ring finger on my left hand) feels like I need to crack my knuckle but then that feeling intensifies to where it almost feels like a broken finger. Keeping it straight hurts as much as bending it...there is no place where I am not aware of the pain and of my body's attack on me. Luckily I was exhausted from two days of work so I still slept last night, though fitfully because it kept bothering me. It is already feeling a little better...I can use my finger to type but I do still notice it in most activities.Hopefully it will be fully functional by the time I work tomorrow... it should continue to die down. When my RA started this was the sensation I had essentially every day but it would move from joint to joint, immobilizing them. The hard part is I feel it coming on but there is really nothing to do but anticipate what is about to happen, anticipate not getting any sleep, anticipate what I needed to do the next day that might have to wait.
It is easy to feel like just giving up and staying on the couch all day, but I want to live...I want to be a part of my life and not wallow in my sadness and feel that I am alone. That is my biggest struggle with this right now, is feeling alone in it. And I have been blessed by friends standing alongside of me through all of this wanting to be a part of it. My pastor says that Satan longs to isolate us because in that isolated place we do start down that path of nobody loves me, the Lord doesn't know what I need, nobody understands me, etc...we give up hope. But I am learning to not allow myself to be isolated, but to speak what I am feeling and struggling with, what lies I am hearing. So I guess this long ramble to say today I thank the Lord for community and for his love that is unfailing. This morning we sang Great is Thy Faithfulness, so I will leave with the words from the chorus which I can sing and believe fully even in the midst of my pain:
  ...All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided
    Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto Thee.

Doctor's Office

I just went to my Rheumatologist's office. I really like my guy, his name is Marcus Owen. He is very kind, cares a lot about what I am feeling, has been aggressive with treating my pain. But I just hate going over there...really I just hate the waiting room. Everyone there is over 40, mostly over 65. Many people have canes, are limping, need help getting around. Nobody there looks my age. And it is crazy how fast my brain goes to fear about what my life will look like down the road when it comes to my Rheumatoid Arthritis. Will I be able to walk without pain, drive without pain, wash my hair without pain...the list can go on and on. I am re-reading the last Harry Potter before I go see the movie and had it with me in the waiting room. So I just kept trying to distract myself with broomsticks and potions and not let myself get sucked into my fears, but it didn't really work. I need better than Harry Potter...I needed some truth in my brain and my heart to speak into my fears...and it did come, just took the ride home to start hearing that whisper among the screams in my head. The whisper called to me: "you can trust me, I love you, I care for you." I heard it in the verses: Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. (Psalm 23), there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18), let the bones you have broken rejoice (Psalm 51:10). I may be one of those old ladies with a cane and a pink hat limping in to see my doctor one day, but I will not walk that path alone.
*(Just to complete the picture of the pink hat wearing lady today, she also had sunglasses, huge gold earrings and was wearing what appeared to be a blanket, and some kicking white sneakers..it was pretty awesome).

1 week

And 5 shifts and 1 test and hopefully a good portion of one paper...this is all that separates me from Thanksgiving df/veggie style, family, games, football, columbo, maybe Harry Potter, sleeping, hiking and relaxing. Can't wait..why does having an end in sight sometimes make things seem so much more bearable?

The Hiding Place

This is one of my all time favorite books. It would probably be one of the first books I would recommend to anyone. So I am about to lend it out to my friend and thought I would browse through the familiar pages before passing it off for awhile. My book is old and very worn, it smells like an old book (yum!), the pages are yellow and a few are falling out. I don't know how many times I have read this story and it always amazes me and brings comfort. It is the story of Corrie ten Boom whose family hid Jews during the war. It is an amazing story of faith...of their families faith in the Lord to step in and care for His people and their faith during immense trails. Betsie is my favorite character because of her intense unfaltering trust that I only wonder at how she ever could believe so fiercely when I look at my own doubts. Won't ruin anything, but here is a quote from it, one that Betsie said along the way: "There are no 'ifs' in God's world. And no places that are safer than other places. The center of His will is our only safety-O Corrie, let us pray that we may always know it!"

Fall Yumminess

As part of my attempt to help control my Rheumatoid Arthritis I have made some diet modifications. The first and most noticeable one was cutting dairy out of my diet. If you know me, you know that my diet was dairy..I could have been on some commercial eating yogurt, milk, cheese, cottage cheese, ice cream...you name it and I loved it. However, when I cut it out I saw a huge improvement in my pain. Huge! And thus started reading up on the inflammatory effects of certain foods. It has not been easy, but to me it is worth it to try and prevent the damage to my joints. I also cut out meat, which I a might or might not stick with...I have been a vegetarian at various other times mostly because I like it and have never been crazy about meat. Then I read the China Study, which will shake your decisions about meat eating (atleast it did mine). It is not about how animals are treated cruelly, but about various scientific research linking high intakes of animal protein to disease (cancer, heart disease, diabetes, autoimmune, etc). I still think there is room for moderation in that and just being aware of how much animal protein you take in. I think there is still a part of me that knows that my diet has been working and I have been feeling great and am scared to try something and risk the opposite, so until then, I am dairy and meat free.
Wow, what a tangent. I got on here to post a yummy butternut squash soup recipe. I have never cooked with this fall favorite, but I did the other night and it was great. There is another recipe I want to try that is sweet potato and butternut squash soup, but I forgot to buy a sweet potato and I hate going to the grocery store for one item..hate it. So I tried this one instead:

These are the majority of the ingredients: 1 butternut squash, 1 onion, 3 stalks of celery, 4 carrots, 4 cloves of garlic, olive oil, 4-5 cups veggie broth, salt, pepper (that is pepper in the mini corona bottle), ginger and other spices to taste. Cook the chopped onion in oil until soft, then add the carrots and celery and cook until soft. Next add butternut squash chopped (no need to pre cook) and veggie broth. Let cook on medium for 20 minutes until veggies are soft. Add spices to taste (I just used ginger and allspice but I think you could do a lot of different things here, cinnamon, nutmeg, etc). Once cooked, place in blender and blend until smooth. You can add 1/2 c of milk here but I think it would be fine without..I used a little almond milk.
I did not include a final product picture because it is hard to make pureed soup look glorious, but it sure tasted that way. Enjoy.

Wishing...

The past few days I have been wishing I was back at Tenwek. So here's to many fun memories and kids (and some bigger kids) who have touched my heart in so many ways.

A Place You Have Never Been

At church we have been reading through Joshua and talking about leadership...how each of us is being called or is leading in some area of their life and what a Biblical picture of this is. A few months ago Randy talked about Joshua 3 and it is something that has come up again and again for me, thus the post.
In Joshua 3, the Lord is calling the Israelites to cross the Jordan River. Now it describes the Jordan in this way: v 15 "for the Jordan overflows all its banks all the days of the harvest" So the Lord tells Joshua to have several priests carry the ark of the covenant of Lord into the rushing waters of the Jordan and then for the 40,000 or so Israelites to follow. Not sure about you, but if I was following Joshua I would have a lot of problems with this plan and would be able to tell him about 17 other plans that would work better, not his crazy plan to carry the ark of the covenant of the Lord into rushing, overflowing waters (read pride, control). In the Lord's command to do this, he says at the very end v.4 "for you have not passed this way before." Again, I would be muttering under my breath, yea, I have never been this way before because nobody has ever had such a ridiculous plan as this.Oh and the Lord says the Ark is to travel a certain distance ahead of the people.
If you continue reading the chapter you see that as soon as the priests carrying the Ark step into the rushing waters, the water stops. Now the Israelites are following at their specific distance behind the Ark, so they can see that the Lord has provided and that they have a clear, dry path to cross the Jordan. Then all the people cross and before the waters start to rush again, Joshua has the people gather stones from the bed of the Jordan River and pile them in a location.These stones are Ebeneezer stones, or reminders of how the Lord provided for the people, to remind them, for them to tell their children, etc. Remember
In different "leading" roles and really just in general in life lately, I feel like the Israelites might have felt; like the Lord is leading me into this crazy place. But in his statement that "you have not passed this way before" is a glorious reminder that the Lord is the one doing the work...I have not had the experience or the capacity to know how to do what he is leading me into. But He is the one leading, and lets me know that he will provide and that his promises are true, and that my job is to follow where he is leading. They were led by the ark of the covenant of the Lord, by this promise that the Lord made with them...and I am led by promises. I am also told to remember...and for me in remembering I lay aside my fears as I know that he is providing in this circumstance just has he has historically for me.
Keep reading in Joshua...the next thing the Lord does is stop them all to circumcise the men and force them to rest and heal...

Fall Bike Ride

Last weekend we had ideal fall weather, which Leah and I took advantage of. She had never been to one of my favorite bike riding locations in Nashville...the Old Natchez Trace and Del Rio Rd. Some of the sights... I was hoping for lots of yellow leaves. Most of the leaves had fallen so I didn't get that, but it is just beautiful out there.

Little short stop during the ride

Glad we went last weekend because today it is cold and wintery!

Mumford and Sons

Several friends have been telling me, "you would love Mumford and sons...listen to them." So I have been; I made it my pandora station, which has also opened my ears to some other great artists. Anyway, I am enjoying many of their songs, particularly the lyrics. I am a big lyrics person...love wondering about the meaning or the words or what a group might believe. So here are some of the beautiful lyrics from After the Storm:
  And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
  And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
  Get over your hill and see what you find there,
  With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair
Love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. That was what I looked to love for today...to dismiss my fears and dispel the lies that I so easily believe.

 

Birthday

Happy Birthday to this girl! Can't imagine what my life would look like without her..for all she has taught me, helped me through and given me in her friendship. Happy Birthday!

happy halloween

These are the pumpkins we carved the other night...(yes, there is one that looks like a vampire...Adrienne and Twilight won over our design)

Love

Love is never efficient, but always effective.
This is a phrase my pastor Randy uses a lot. And isn't it so true. I may not see the speedy responses or changes that I eagerly anticipate, but the Lord's love has its way of effectively teaching, transforming, challenging, growing, and tenderly caring for my heart. Just been thankful for that today. In the midst of so many questions in my life being unanswered I have the joy of standing and waiting in this confidence: that I have the Lord's love in control. Mighty fine thing, isn't it?
And doesn't this fall weather just bring a smile to your face?

Self

Why is seeing ourselves for who we really are so difficult? I sometimes hold so firmly to this picture of myself that I think or wish is me and become terrified at the thought of people seeing what lies beneath that image. I believe most of us feel this way. Sadly I think it has only been in the past few years that (minus my family) I have been brave enough to let people start to peek beneath the image, to not give the answers I think I ought, to answer what I think and believe and allow me to shine through the cracks.. It is crazy though, the more it happens, like most things, the less scary it is. I am learning the freedom of living in who I have been created to be.
Yes there is a lot of good in this, of seeing the ways the Lord has gifted me and starting on this life long journey of understanding how the Lord loves me and what this love transforms about me, my life and others around me. There is also the hard stuff, of the yuck of me being revealed..all the ways I try to defend myself, protect myself, still think I need to be this other image, wish I was a different way, think I am better than others...the list gets longer and grosser. I know the Lord is in these places as well, that those thoughts don't bring shame but remind me yet again of this deep immeasurable love that I get to swim freely in. Doesn't make it any easier, but I have the confidence of being loved even in the yuck.
But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (Eph 2:4-5)

Psalm 62

My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation...
(v 5-6)

Shepherd

A week ago I was sitting, bundled up in the woods listening to some great teaching by the pastors at my church. I went to a small group leaders "retreat"...a night away, basically 24 hours where we were loved on with great food and drink, with time to rest, with time to learn, with time to fellowship. It was a great 24 hours.

The topic of the teaching was shepherding...specifically the Lord as our shepherd and how he calls us into shepherding others with the heart, mind, and skills of a shepherd. There was a lot of great teaching and encouragement and challenges in the words brought, but a few I wanted to share:
Basically my inability in all of this is incredibly apparent...the fact that I must receive from the Lord and remember that I am loved in order to love. They talked about John 13 and Peter's unwillingness for the Lord to wash his feet. Jesus replied (v. 8) "If I do not wash you, you have no part with Me." Do I believe the Lord loves me? Do I believe that the Lord has me leading because he loves me and wants to reveal himself to me as much as to those I am leading? Another thing they talked on was the importance of being immersed in his love personally. What does that look like in my life? Obviously a lot of these have to do with the heart of the shepherd and where I feel like I am gifted more, so I need to spend more time praying and thinking on the mind and skills of a shepherd as well.
We also each spent time on our own in Psalm 23 and some of the biggest points for me were
The Lord is MY shepherd.
He restores my soul.
I shall not be in want
I fear no evil
My cup overflows
I could write a lot about this but much of it I am still processing and still learning from...these were some of my initial thoughts.

Holy Green Bean

So, last spring Leah and I built an above ground garden and planted some veggies. Some veggies did awesome, others never turned into a green sprout. It was a fun process and I am excited for next spring. I have been neglecting it because there is really just an old watermelon vine, the tomato bush, and some green bean plants we threw in the ground at the end of the season. Yesterday, in procrastinating for my tests I decided I must rake (my dad would be proud). So in the process I went to the garden and discovered ,this:

These green beans are way bigger than our first round of green beans in the spring. I don't know, I just love watching things grow...something about nature where I am amazed by how things work. I am sure there is a way to relate this to life, but right now I am just excited about eating green beans for dinner. Maybe we will plant some lettuce before it gets too cold.

Yay!

Good news from my Rheumatologist today...I went in expecting him to start me on another new medicine and was delighted to find he doesn't think that I need that right now. Yay! So I get to stick with my once a week shot and of course still the steroids. I feel really blessed to have found such a kind doctor who knows me and cares about me and what I am going through.
It is funny how in my mind I always expect the worst or take a scenario and play it out a few years down the line and see how horrible this one event will make my life. Why is my brain so programmed to think the worst is coming...is it so I am prepared or do I believe that it is the course of my life. Matthew 6 contains some of the wise words about not worrying. Before those words, it talks about storing up treasures in heaven, (v. 21) for where the treasure is, there your heart will be also. So if my heart is consumed with worry or expecting the worst, what does that say about what my treasure is...my health, my circumstances, what I see around me??? Some food for thought later.

More Soon

Things are a bit busy right now, but I will be posting soon about our leadership weekend. Until then I am spending my time with a cup of tea and my pathophysiology book...yummm!

I don't have a tea cup that is quite that fun, might make studying better. Once patho is complete, on to theory. In the midst of all that I will write some thoughts on our small group leaders retreat. To give you a taste and something to think about, we talked about shepherding...the heart, mind and skills of a shepherd. How are we shepherded and where/how are we being called into that role???

Philly Photos

My camera is nowhere near as stellar as Leah or Danielle's, but I did manage to sneak a few photos of our time together in Philly. The first day it was sunny and beautiful fall weather and then the rainy fall weather arrived. So we spent some time outside at the park swinging (well Lydia swinging and us being entertained) and some in, made a lot of yummy meals (and vegetarian, thanks!), drank plenty of coffee, played with this little one, and spent a lot of time talking.

We ventured out in the drizzle to the library and for a tour of some of downtown Philly. Lydia wasn't so sure about my head being so close to hers in this photo. One thing I love about where they live is that we can walk most places (my favorite being the bakery for fresh bread).

Lydia was prepared for the rain. Tuesday we gave into the rain and bought Beauty and the Beast to watch in the cold drizzle...that is an all time favorite! Fun times, only wish they got to happen every day...

6 month anniversary

It actually happened last week but I stopped today to think about it and realized that in technical terms, 6 months ago I found out I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. RA is an autoimmune disease that causes swelling of the areas around the joints. My brother pointed me recently to a NY Times article on living with RA and a woman they interviewed writes a blog about living with RA. I liked her definition of RA, so I am going to borrow it (and credit her of course) She talks about the immune system being an overachiever and because there is too much of certain inflammatory factors they are working overtime and attacking my own joints. They don't know what causes it or how to cure it. So it has become a part of life (oh yea, here is the link to the RA gal's blog).
I am sure I will talk about it from time to time as it has been a big part of the year 2010.
The first few months of adapting to RA I never thought I would say I would be thankful for it, but the Lord has been doing some slow work on my heart to where I can say I know that even this and how it affects my life is not too big for Him to handle. "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." (Eccl 11:5).
Here is to 6 months and who knows how many more years of RA and being surprised and amazed at the many ways the Lord works. (I think for this one we need to clink glasses of wine together...pumpkin spice lattes aren't enough)

Ikea

I wish Nashville had an Ikea, though it might not be good for the ole wallet. It was rainy and cold in Philly, so we made a trip to Ikea. And even though all I had was a my carry on sized suitcase I still managed to do a little damage. Who knew I needed a new comforter? Here it is in its new home.